


Spiraling Down

by BensonsFaerieWings



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29800815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BensonsFaerieWings/pseuds/BensonsFaerieWings
Summary: Barba faces some serious mental illness and spirals down until he asks for help.
Kudos: 7





	Spiraling Down

Author’s Note: I do not own the characters, I merely borrow them for some adventures from Dick Wolf. This takes place before “The Undiscovered Country” - so let’s just pretend that this did not happen. I am rating this high for mature themes that could trigger (destructive behavior, alcohol abuse, depressive mental instability) - Read with caution. Also, I do not claim to know nearly enough about mental illness to write this perfectly or probably even remotely correctly. I did a bit of research prior to starting, but I am really just winging it. I just wanted it loosely based on the idea of bipolar because I was really focusing more on what would happen if Barba suddenly was not the strong one. I had an idea and ran with it. It is probably a little bit out of character, but honestly I think that is what I loved about the idea.

Rafael Barba slammed his briefcase closed after throwing his notes into it. John Buchanan walked up and smugly smiled, “Better luck next time, Barba.” He had himself a little chuckle and added a final jab, “What is this your third loss this week alone?” 

Rafael stood up abruptly, “Shove it, Buchanan.” He stormed out of the courtroom and through the press screaming at him. He was not in the mood to be polite, furious that he had lost what he thought was a slam dunk case. Buchanan was not incorrect about his record for this week. He had a losing streak running right now, and each loss added to it irritated him more than the last one. 

He strode into his office and slammed the door without even acknowledging his assistant, Carmen. Carmen just rolled her eyes, she was over her boss’ attitude these days. She was used to him being serious and had seen him angry before, but never so consistently, he was usually an even tempered man with a quick wit. These days it was more like walking into a bomb situation that she did not know when it was going to explode. Normally, she would call Captain Benson to straighten things out, but they had had a falling out of sorts over some of these cases he had lost recently and she had not been around much. Instead, she just prayed that her boss got stuck in court all day and dreaded when he would come into the office until she left at 5 each day. She did not want to leave her job because she normally loved it, but if things did not change soon, the stress would give her no other choice. She sighed again and looked at his door and tried to refocus on her work for the day. 

Rafael had come into his office in such a blur of anger he had not even noticed if Carmen had come in today. He felt terrible that she had been subject to his moods lately, but even he had no idea what was making him lose his cool. The losing record was getting on his nerves, but it was part of the job - some weeks were worse than others. But in reality, this rollercoaster was occurring all over his life and he felt almost powerless to rectify it. He looked at his watch and realized it was after 7PM, decided to give up on the day and head home. 

The Lyft ride flew by without him even noticing anything going on around him. He walked through the door of his apartment, ripped off his tie and discarded it along with the rest of his suit in the ever growing pile of dry cleaning. He had told his housekeeper that she could take a few weeks off, a few months ago, but had never called her back. He kept count of the number of suits that remained in his closet, grateful that he had bought a number of the hand tailored specialities over the years. He was really going to need to get them cleaned soon, but he had a few more days before he had to face that. 

He walked back into the kitchen in just the flannel pajama pants and old NYPD t-shirt that were his usual evening attire. He loved his NYPD shirts, they had all been hers at one point, but she had gifted them to him for various reasons, Noah threw up on his work shirt, he crashed on her couch after a rough case. He sighed as he poured a glass of scotch and opened the DoorDash app on his phone. They had not spoken in a few months, except where required for cases. There had been no playful banter or sarcastic remarks about cases thrown between them, ever since they had a disagreement over a case. He could have reached out to her, but in his current state, he just did not want to burden her with his mental struggle. He figured she did not reach out because he was an ass whenever they did interact in between. Normally, she would call him on his bullshit attitude, but they had not ended things well. 

Barba threw his phone on the counter, frustrated with nothing looking good on the food delivery app. He threw back the rest of his drink and trudged back to his bedroom to get dressed again, it was obvious he was going to have to go get food rather than have it delivered. He grabbed his keys and his phone off the counter as he put on his shoes. He shot off a text as he walked out the door, “Hey, wanna grab dinner at O’Malleys? I need a good steak and whiskey.” 

“Sure, be there in 10.” was the response he received. He knew she would say yes, she barely had a social life outside of work, much like him. 

He walked into the Irish pub, grateful to see that it was not crowded. He grabbed a booth in the back and waved at the bartender. The waitress would pop over once they saw his company arrive. He flitted around in his email while he waited, not really reading anything or digesting what he read. 

“Well, you look like shit.” Rita declared as she threw her bag and jacket on the seat before crawling into the booth across from him. 

“You don’t look much better, sunshine.” He cracked a fake smile at her and then nodded to the bartender. 

The waitress came over and took their order, “Whiskey and a steak for him; white wine and a salad for her.” 

Rita looked at her friend, really seeing the turmoil in his eyes, “Why are we really here?” 

“Just wanted to get away for a moment and have a relaxing dinner.”

“So, you called me?” Rita laughed, knowing that they always just ribbed each other when they were together. They had known each other since college and it had always been their way. 

“I needed normal. You never fail to bring me back to earth.” He chuckled, but the laughter did not reach his eyes like it usually did. Rita was not sure how to handle this, so she just put it out of her mind for the moment. She would wait and see how the night progressed.

“Well normal just makes me sound boring.” She responded sipping slowly on the white wine while her dinner partner drank shot after shot with barely a breath in between. She realized that this was more than just his usual blow off steam kind of night. 

“Hey, sparky, you think that the whiskey barrel is going to run dry? I promise if you leave some for tomorrow you can still have it. Want to switch to some water for a bit?” 

“Are you my mother or my friend?” He slurred signaling for another from the bartender. Rita shook her head no, hoping the bartender would cut him off.

The waitress dropped it with a water, “Johnny said he just ran out of whiskey.”

“Well isn’t that convenient. Time to pay my tab and move on.” He said downing the drink and tossing his credit card at the waitress. Rita followed suit and grabbed her belongings quickly, hoping to keep up with him. 

“Barba, can I grab you a Lyft home?” She asked as they rushed out of the bar. 

“No, I am going to head over to Flannery’s.” Rita sighed, it was another irish bar up the street. He was on a destructive mission tonight. She had not seen him in this state in a number of years, the last time was after a failed exam in law school. 

“Alright, but I am not carrying you home after all this. You are likely to puke on me.” Rita tried to play off her concern, but really felt it growing.

“As if I have not walked you home drunk and held your hair while you puked before.” Rafael jabbed back. There had been more incidents like that than she cared to recall, but she had gone through some shit during their law school years, and he had had her back every step of the way. 

“Fine, whatever, let’s go.” She rolled her eyes, as her brain was trying to figure out what could have gotten him into this state. She knew had had some tough losses lately, but he always rolled with the punches, so that could not be the cause of this. 

They ended up closing the bar, and she struggled with a very drunk Barba. Eventually, she got him to his door, after him nearly losing his stomach contents in the taxi cab. She unlocked the door, and let them into his apartment. She could not help but gasp as she walked in. The normally spotless apartment was downright messy with clothes and papers thrown everywhere. Thankfully, it looked like he had managed to take the garbage out regularly, but that and running the dishwasher looked like the only chores that he had managed in some time. 

“Jesus, Barba, when did you move to a frat house.” She scoffed as she tugged him towards the bathroom, hoping a shower would help his nausea pass. 

“No one asked you to judge.” His slurred speech was barely intelligible. 

She blasted the shower on and looked at him and shook her head. He had sat down on the floor and looked like he was about to pass out. If she was sure that he would not vomit in his sleep, she would have just left him there. But she refused to take a risk on her longest friend. “Come on, get undressed and in this shower.” He grumbled but started to remove his clothing. She assisted to speed up the process and then let him shower on his own while she grabbed some water and Advil for his nightstand. After about 15 minutes she went to check on him and found him just sitting on the seat in the shower. She reached in and shut the shower off and ushered him out of the shower. He was barely coherent, so she just put him to bed and left him a note to call her in the morning. She locked up behind herself and went home, still nervous about his mental state, but unsure of really what she could do about it. 

The next morning she received a text from him that simply said, “Thanks for last night, I am sorry I was so drunk.” 

“No problem, counselor, you owe me dinner at somewhere decent without the whiskey!” She smiled and hoped that he was doing better, but she was not convinced. 

Barba returned to court that morning, this time he garnered himself a win. He saw Olivia out of the corner of his eye, but promptly turned away and went back to his office. He was having a rollercoaster of a day mentally and did not want to add to his issues by speaking with her. Their usual banter would be off depending on his mood, plus he was still harboring a little bit of a grudge from their disagreement. He knew she got under his skin because she lived in his heart, and he never wanted to disappoint her, but sometimes her logic was clouded. He went back to his office and sulked while working on the motions and arguments for his next case. After 8PM, he packed up his belongings and headed home, where he was looking forward to some thai takeout and his favorite scotch. Just as he was about to get into the Lyft, he received a call from Olivia. 

“Barba, where are you?” She sounded almost frantic with panic.

“Liv? You ok? I am just about to get into a Lyft to head home.” He said one foot in the Lyft, one cemented to the ground, praying that the driver didn’t get impatient and just rush off. 

“We got a break in the case, and I literally just sent Lucy home. Amanda has the flu and Fin needs me to go. Is there any chance you would want to come watch Noah?” He heard her rustling around obviously getting everything ready to attempt to fly out the door. 

“Yea, sure, let me just update the address for the Lyft and I will be there as soon as I can.” He got the rest of the way into the Lyft and updated the address in his app and apologized to the driver. Thankfully, they did not live too far apart from one another. 

He got out and rushed up to her apartment, and knocked as he attempted to catch his breath. She answered within seconds. “Thank you, I was at a loss as to who to call. Noah should be out shortly, he just might need some time to wind down after seeing you.” She said grabbing her phone and keys. 

“Anything for you two.” He smiled sheepishly at her. “Go, we will talk later. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Will do, thank you! Noah, Uncle Rafa is here, I love you!” She pecked Rafa on the cheek quickly as she walked out the door locking it behind her. 

Shortly after, Noah came running out. “Uncle Rafa! Where have you been?” 

“Hey, mijo, work has been really busy. Mom said you were getting ready for bed. Are you ready for your story?” He asked as he ruffled the little boy’s hair. 

“But you just got here. Can we visit for a bit first?” Noah pleaded. 

“Ok, but only for an hour and then you have to get to sleep, you have school in the morning.” He grinned at the boy and followed him back to his room. 

Noah talked about everything from school to his adventures with Lucy to new toys he had gotten, all the while playing with his legos. Rafael was happy to just sit and watch and let him ramble on. He was one of the brightest spots in the man’s life, even if he was just an adopted nephew to him. The boy was so smart and Rafael loved to help cultivate that as much as he could by exposing him to different cultures, not that his mother slacked at all in the area. It made Rafael’s heart almost tear into pieces if he thought too long about the life he wished for with the boy and his mother. Now is not the time, he thought to himself, giving his head a little shake to get the thoughts out of his head. Rafael checked the time and cleared his throat, forcing a smile on his face. “Mijo, we are going to have to clean up and get into bed. Pick a story after you clean up, I am going to go grab some water.”He brought the little boy a water and settled in with the story that he had picked. Before Rafael was halfway through the story, the boy had fallen asleep. Rafael got up slowly and set the book on the nightstand and tucked him and Eddie, his favorite stuffed elephant, and gave him a small kiss on the forehead before walking out and pulling the door to. 

Rafael suddenly felt out of place in the apartment, as he had never been here with just Noah. He paced a little, before he realized that he was hungry, so he poked in her fridge and was grateful to find some leftover pizza. Noah had obviously picked dinner tonight. Rafael chuckled quietly to himself as he grabbed a slice and a glass of the scotch she kept in the cabinet for him. He curled up on the couch and stared out the window. The only light in the apartment was a soft lamp that was kept on by the door, in case Noah awoke to head to the bathroom in the night. Outside, it was dark and had started raining, and his mood seemed to ebb and flow with the intensity of the rain. He began to dwell on the things in his life that he regretted, the moments he felt like he had missed out on, and the dreams that were still left unfulfilled. Before he knew it, there were tears streaming down his face, and his body was wracked with sobs. He tried his best to keep it together and stay quiet, but the pain was more than he could bear. He did not hear Noah open the door, and screamed when the boy touched his shoulder. Noah shrank away from him, as he attempted to recover. 

“Sorry, Uncle Rafa!” The boy’s eyes started to well up with tears and it just made Rafael cry harder. 

He walked over to the boy and just picked him up in a giant hug. “Mijo, you did nothing wrong. I just didn’t hear you.” He stuttered between sobs. 

“Are you okay, Uncle? Why are you crying?” Noah asked as his own sobs quieted down. “You woke me up with your crying.”

“I am just a little sad today.” Rafael tried to slow his tears by taking deep breaths, but it barely made a dent. 

“Are you missing someone? When Mommy cries, she says its because she is missing someone.” 

Rafael smiled at the innocence, “Yes, I guess I am.” Little did the boy know the man was missing himself or the version of himself that he was used to. “Let’s get you back to bed.” 

“I don’t want to leave you out here alone when you are so sad.” Noah clung to the man.

“Noah, I promise I will be okay, but your mom is going to yell at me if you are tired at school tomorrow.” 

“But, she will understand, if I stayed up to comfort you. She would not like to know that you are sad.” Noah spoke with a quivering lip, clearly very concerned.

“I am sorry that I woke you and worried you. I promise I am okay. Let’s go finish your story and get you back to sleep.” Rafael carried the boy back to his bed, happy to be able to hug him again, but also needing to focus on something else. 

“Uncle Rafa, pinky swear?” Noah held out his pinky to his uncle, as his uncle tucked him into bed. 

“Pinky swear.” Rafael smiled at his nephew as they hooked pinkies. “If I get too sad again, I will come sit in here with you and Eddie.” 

“Ok, or tell Mommy and she will make it all better.” Noah closed his eyes to listen to his uncle recite his story. 

Soon after, Noah was back to sleep and Rafael repeated the same routine as he had previously, and went back into the living room. He felt so guilty for worrying the little boy and just hoped that he could keep his emotions in check until he returned to his own apartment. It had only been a couple of hours since Olivia had left, and Rafael assumed he was going to be there until morning, so he curled back up on the couch and tried to distract himself with papers from work. But his mind kept wandering off and the emotions kept getting stirred up inside his head. He texted Rita, “Distract me with something.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“I just need something to think about other than work and life. Distract me.” 

“Have you heard of TV? YouTube? Watch one of those. I have motions to prepare.” 

“Thanks for nothing!” 

“Sorry, I really am on a tight deadline. Try watching something mindless.” 

“Mindless - you mean stupid lol. Go get your motions done.” 

Sometimes he wondered why they even talked still, but he knew why. In certain times, they were the only people that could be there for them. 

At some point, Rafael drifted off to sleep, and woke with a start to Noah screaming, “Uncle Rafa!” 

He shook the sleep from his eyes and sat up, and saw the little boy staring at him with wide eyes. “Did you have a bad dream?” He got up and walked over to the little boy, but the boy backed up away from him. 

“No, you did.” He said with a shaking voice. 

Rafael looked at him confused, “Noah, are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

“You were screaming, but you sounded like you were fighting with yourself.” Noah whispered as he bumped into the wall, not having noticed where he was in the room. 

“Oh, Noah, I am so sorry.” Rafael sank to the ground in front of the boy. “Uncle Rafa is just going through some stress right now, I am sorry I woke you up again.”   
“Uncle Rafa, you need to talk to Mommy.” He walked up to the man and gave him a big hug. “Maybe I should tuck you in with Eddie?” 

The sweetness of the gesture brought tears to the corner of Rafael’s eyes. “Oh no, Eddie has to stay with you. But I will come sleep with you so you can protect me, how about that?” 

Noah nodded slowly, “Sounds good. Maybe then you won’t have any more bad dreams.” 

They walked back to Noah’s room, and Rafael tucked him back into bed and then sat down on the floor next to him. Noah handed him the spare pillow and blanket off of his bed, and when Rafael put his head down, Noah put his hand on his head. The tears flowed silently from his eyes, and he fell asleep crying next to the boy he loved so much. 

Olivia walked through the door at 5AM and was surprised to not see Rafael passed out on her couch. She quietly slipped her shoes off and set down her keys and phone. She put her service weapon away, and then went to check on Noah. She found Rafael asleep on the floor, with his head on Noah’s bed, with Noah’s hand on his head. She was tempted to wake him, but knew he got as little sleep as she did, so she just pulled the door closed and went to grab a couple of hours before the alarm went off for school. Before she knew it, she was being woken up by someone shaking her arm. She blinked her eyes open and saw Noah standing there.

“Good Morning, Noah.” She smiled at the boy, but he did not return the smile.

“Mom, you gotta help Uncle Rafa. He has been upset all night.”

“What do you mean?” Olivia asked, sitting up into bed and grabbing her bathrobe from the bedpost. She threw it on and got up to follow Noah back to his room. The sight that she saw surprised her. Rafael was still sleeping in the position she had seen him in earlier, but there were tears streaming down his face. She turned back around and ushered Noah back to her bedroom, where she closed the door behind her and whispered, “Tell me what happened last night.”

“He woke me up crying and he promised he was fine, but then he woke me up again having a bad dream. That’s when I made him come sleep with me, and I woke up to use the bathroom and I saw him crying again. You gotta fix him, Mom.” Noah started to get worked up, so Olivia gave him a big hug. 

“Alright, I am going to go talk to him.” She looked at her watch, they were only about 30 minutes from the alarm going off. “Why don’t you take a shower in my big shower and start getting ready for school? I am sure Uncle Rafa just had another bad dream.” Noah did not look convinced, but he knew better than to argue with his mother. 

Olivia walked down to Noah’s room and grabbed his school clothes and brought them back to her bathroom. She found Noah sitting on her bed with a concerned look on her face. “Noah, I promise we will help Uncle Rafa, but I really need you to get ready for school.”

“I know, but I am really worried about him. You didn’t see how upset he was!” He hmphed at her and stomped off to her bathroom to take a shower. 

She walked back to Noah’s bedroom, and took a deep breath before walking over to Rafael. She lightly touched his shoulder and he jumped about a mile into the air. “Rafael, it’s just me.” 

Rafael looked around wildly, while he got his bearings straight. “Where’s Noah? He was here, I swear.” He jumped up in a panic.

She reached out to steady him, “He is fine. He is taking a shower to get ready for school.”

He took a deep breath in, “Oh, ok, I will get out of your hair.” He rushed off to the living room to gather his things. 

“We are in no rush. Come have a coffee with me.” She spoke in a calming voice, and was unsure if she should follow him into the living room or start the coffee in her kitchenette. 

“But you have a routine, I don’t want to interrupt.” Rafael said hurriedly. He could not remember where he put his phone. 

She walked into the living room, and put her hands on his shoulders. “Rafael, calm down, you just woke up. Take a minute to breathe. What are you missing?”

“I can’t find my phone.” He said, practically in tears. Oh no, this cannot happen now. His mind screamed, but his emotions paid it no mind. 

“Rafa, it’s right here.” She said, pulling it out from in between the couch cushions. She had lost her phone in the same place a million times. “Please have some coffee with me. I have missed you, my friend.” She decided to give him a minute to gather his thoughts as she went to the kitchen to make the coffee.

“Thanks, Liv.” He took a few deep breaths and seemed to be able to calm his inner demons enough to have a civilized conversation. “How did the case go last night?” He walked to the breakfast bar and took a seat on the stool as she handed him a coffee.

“We got the guy, and he should be arraigned this morning.” She smiled at him over her cup. She heard her bedroom door open, and saw Noah bounding down the hall. 

“What’s for breakfast, Mom?” He asked, climbing up next to his uncle at the breakfast bar. 

“Cereal.” She pulled out a few boxes of cereal, the milk, a few bowls and spoons. 

“Which one are you having?” Noah asked her. 

“I am just going to have coffee for now.” She smiled at him sweetly.

“But you always make me eat before school.” Noah whined at her.

Rafael chuckled and spoke quietly, “I will make sure she eats some breakfast when we meet for court. Deal?” He winked at Noah, hoping to save his friend from further harassment from her child.

“So, you aren’t eating cereal either?” Noah spoke with a mouthful of cereal. 

“Noah, don’t talk with your mouth full.” Olivia rolled her eyes at Rafael. “I swear he has manners.” 

Noah paused and looked at his uncle, “Are you feeling better, Uncle Rafa?” 

“Yes, I am, Noah. Thank you for worrying about me.” Rafael turned a shade of crimson at the thought of Olivia hearing about the events of the night before. He knew that Noah would tell her, he just did not want to be around while he did. He looked at his watch and made haste to get going. “I have to run to my apartment to shower and change before court. Let me know if I can do this again sometime. Bye, mijo, have a great day at school.”

Noah reached out to hug his uncle. “Love you, Uncle Rafa.” 

Rafael hugged him back, and again his emotions went haywire, but he shrugged it off and walked to the door. Olivia followed closely behind so that she could get the door for him. “Thank you for staying with him last night.” 

He smiled at her and hoped that she would not notice the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “Thank you for asking me.” 

“Lunch today?” Olivia asked, hoping he would agree so she could better understand what was going on with him.

“Check my court schedule with Carmen, but I think I am in session all day today. Maybe later this week.” He knew that he was procrastinating the inevitable, but he just couldn’t face her today. 

“See you later, Barba.” Olivia closed the door behind her and tried to figure out how to get more details from her son about what had happened last night. Thankfully, he was just as concerned about the man as she was, so he let the details fly and also let it be known that it had scared her son. Not that he was afraid for his life, but that he was scared for his uncle. Olivia definitely planned to have a talk with him and figure out what was going on. Noah was not going to let this go until he was convinced that Barba was fine and he was just having an off night. But even Olivia felt that it was more than just an off night. 

Work got busy and Barba grew really good at avoiding Olivia, even when she managed to corner him in his office. They never got a chance to discuss what had happened during his stay at her apartment. Soon, a few more weeks had gone by and Barba found his cases beginning to suffer as his losing record was outweighing his winning one. He found himself at home as usual, except he was home extra early after having been placed on leave for a few weeks by the District Attorney. Apparently, losing in record numbers was something that he frowned upon. Barba was ordered to take the time and see if he could “get his head out of his ass.” He sat on the couch, drinking bourbon and flipping through his phone, not really looking at anything. He wanted to talk to someone, but simultaneously, did not feel comfortable talking to anyone in his mental state. He should have been distraught, but he really did not care that he had been removed from his job. He threw the phone across the table and just kept drinking. He didn’t speak to anyone for days and barely moved from the couch, except to use the bathroom and answer the door on the rare occasions that he had ordered delivery. 

Olivia walked into the court expecting to see Barba at the prosecutor’s table, but was faced with an unfamiliar face. She looked to the defense and saw Rita Calhoun representing the slime that her case was against today. She rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and walked up to the defense attorney. 

“Hey, Rita.” 

“Captain Benson, you should not be speaking to my client.” 

“I wouldn’t dare. I actually wanted to ask if you knew where Barba was?”

“Isn’t he your best friend? Shouldn’t you know that?” Rita scoffed. Her and the Captain were not friends, but they were not enemies either until it was time to face-off in court. 

“Well, we have not been speaking as often as usual.” Olivia said sheepishly knowing that she could have forced the issue more, but things were still a bit awkward between Barba and herself. The door to the judge’s chambers swung open and they both rushed to their seats.

Olivia texted Rita, “Talk after court?” She probably would not see it until a recess, but at least if Olivia put it out there, there was a chance she could figure out what was going on. 

The trial went on as expected, and finally, a lunch recess was called. Olivia paced the hallway, waiting for Rita to emerge from the holding area. Finally, she appeared and walked over to Olivia. “Well, you will be happy, my guy decided to plead it out with the new DA.”

“And you didn’t stop him?” Olivia spat out, her remark dripping with sarcasm as her automatic response before she could think. “Sorry, Rita.”

“No, it just was not as fun putting this peon through the ringer. Plus it was a decent deal for my client.” Rita took a seat on a bench and looked over her calendar to see if she had any additional court appearances that day. “Liv, wanna grab some lunch?” 

“Uh, sure. The cafe across the street?” Liv stammered, not expecting to be asked for lunch with the defense attorney. 

“Let’s go.” Rita said, gathering her things and walking at top speed towards the door. Olivia sped up her pace to keep up with the attorney. They were at the cafe in minutes despite New York traffic. 

Once seated, Olivia dared to ask, “Rita, what is this about?”

“You asked about Barba, didn’t you? Well, I did not think appropriate to speak about in the courthouse.”

Olivia nodded, and Rita continued. “I heard a rumor that he was placed on leave.”

Olivia gasped, “Leave for what?” 

“He has had quite the losing streak lately. I was sure you were aware of that.”

“Well, I knew that he had lost some of our cases. My squad had been complaining, but I had not been keeping tabs. How bad is it?”

“Well, let’s just say for the first time ever, the losing number is higher than the winning numbers.” Rita paused as the waitress took their order. 

“What? No way?” Rafael Barba was the best ADA she had ever worked with. He went the extra mile to ensure that he did not lose cases. 

“Yes, and, well there is something else.” Rita paused again to take in who was seated around them at the restaurant, knowing that if her friend found out she was telling the Captain about their night, he would disown their friendship. “A few weeks ago we went out for drinks to blow off steam, and he got drunker than I have ever seen him. Like ever. I had to pour him into bed.”

“Well with a losing streak, wouldn’t you get drunk too if you had an ego as big as his?” Olivia tried to blow it off as no big deal, but the concerned look on Rita’s face told him that it was more than that.

“Olivia, if it was just that, we would not be here having lunch. I don’t take talking about my friend behind his back lightly.” Rita spoke sharply. 

“Sorry, Rita, I didn't mean to make light of the situation.” Olivia took a large swallow of her water unsure what else to do.

“I feel like something is off with him, but I am not sure what to do or how to find out.”

“Well, now that you mention it, he watched Noah overnight for me a few weeks ago while I ran a case, and Noah mentioned that he did not seem right that night either.” Olivia replied sheepishly. 

“Well I think that you are more in your face than anyone I know, go over there and find out what is going on with him.” Rita taunted. 

“Rita, I have been trying for weeks and he keeps weaseling out of the conversation. You are just as bad as me, so why don’t you go check on him? Why are you talking to me about it?” Olivia looked at her confused. 

“We are friends, but we are not friends like that. We don’t do deep discussions, we do bitch sessions and we fight about cases. We do not get personal.” 

“But, Rita, he called you when he was having a shitty night. That is personal. He didn’t call me.” Olivia felt a twinge of hurt, but she knew she was also to blame for their rift from prior. 

Rita rolled her eyes. “I knew it was stupid to talk to you about this.” She gathered her items and turned to leave. “You know, you hold a really important place in his heart. Maybe think about that before you assume he will just figure things out.” 

“Rita, wait.” Olivia tried but the woman had already walked out the door before Olivia could even get out of the chair. She paid the bill and walked outside, but Rita had already disappeared. 

Olivia went back to her squadroom, but her mind wandered all afternoon to their conversation. Finally, as she rode home in the Lyft, she texted Barba. “Hey, hear you were put on leave. Are you okay? Anything I can do?” 

“Hi. I am fine, it was by choice. Don’t you worry.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Definitely. I have to go.”

“Alright, well don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything.” 

After that conversation, life got busy and Olivia didn’t think much about the fact that she had not heard from him. Normally, she would just go off and find out what was going on with him, but Noah had had the chickenpox and then she had gotten the flu, and basically it had been a horrendous month for her. She used more sick time in a month than she had used her whole career. 

Meanwhile, as Olivia was battling the chickenpox and the flu, Barba was fighting his inner demons. He knew he was riding the waves of a severe bipolar episode, but no one knew that he had dealt with this since his 20’s. He had tried different meds, and spoken with his psychiatrist, but nothing seemed to be doing the trick. He knew self-medicating with alcohol was nearly the worst answer ever, but it was what kept him where he felt even. The longer that his leave went on, the less he felt any desire to return to the ADAs office. During one of his particularly manic episodes, he decided that he would go drinking about the town. He had hoped to find some hot young thing to bring home, but in all honesty, all he could think about was Olivia. Finally, he gave up trying to drink away his thoughts, and took a Lyft to her apartment. He was by no means sober, but he did not think he was completely intoxicated. He hoped that she did not have a case. He knocked on the door, and then leaned on the doorframe hoping that he remained standing as the room started to spin. 

He heard a timid voice, “Who is it?” 

Rafael grinned, “Noah, it’s Uncle Rafa.” 

The door swung open, and Noah exclaimed, “Uncle Rafa, where have you been? Are you feeling better now?” 

“Mijo!” Rafael yelled, and picked up the young boy and swung him in a hug that was just a little tighter than it should have been. “I have missed you!” 

“Uh, I missed you too.” Noah said tentatively. “You smell funny!” He said, as Barba put him down. Olivia walked out of the kitchen drying her hands on a dish towel, as Barba closed the door behind him. 

“Barba, what are you doing here?” She patted her son on the head as she took in Barba. She realized quickly, the funny smell that Noah sensed was alcohol and too much of it. “Noah, honey, why don’t you go get ready for bed and you can watch TV in my room.”

“But Mom,” Noah started to whine, but he saw the look on his mother’s face that told him not to fuss anymore unless he really wanted to be in trouble. “Fine. Night Uncle Rafa!” 

“Night, Noah.” Rafa smiled at him and looked to Olivia. “Hi Liv!” He spoke a little too loudly. 

“Rafael, why are you here drunk?” Olivia hissed as she walked behind him picking up his jacket and shoes that he had unceremoniously thrown on the floor by her front door. 

“I missed you guys, I said.” He slurred. 

“You cannot be here drunk. I will not subject Noah to that.” She walked over to where he had sat on the couch and pulled him to his feet. “You need to leave until you are sober.” Suddenly, Olivia heard Noah yell from the bathroom for her. “I will be right back - either leave or sober up.” She whispered sternly. 

Rafael just hmphed at her as she walked away. He knew that she was right, but he did not know where else to go or what else to do. His brain was spiraling out of control. Suddenly all the lights on in her apartment were too much for his eyes so he went around and shut them off. Then he walked to the window and slid down the wall to sit on the floor and look out the window. He didn’t dare look around the apartment that held his heart. His own home was more like a hotel than a home. Her home was just that, a home. It was lived in and loved. He longed for a lived in and loved home. He longed for stability and just peace within his own head. 

“What the hell Rafael” Olivia snapped as she walked back into the dark living room. She was about to go on a tirade about him taking over her apartment, when she saw him curled up seated beneath the window just staring out. She walked back to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, and then walked up to him quietly. “Rafael, are you okay?” 

He looked up at her and smiled sheepishly, and shook his head no. 

She sat down on the floor next to him and handed him the water bottle. “How can I help?”

Rafael took the water bottle and looked at her and said, “I don’t know.”

“What’s wrong?” 

“I have tried everything and I cannot get a handle on my own mind.” Rafael whispered. “It is everywhere all of the time.” 

“Rafa, how long has this been going on?” She put an arm around her friend.

“How do I tell my best friend that I am going crazy?” 

“You aren’t going crazy. Mental illness happens. Have you talked to someone professionally?”

Rafael nodded as he slowly drank the water she gave him. “Liv, I am afraid I am losing myself. And I can’t forgive myself for upsetting Noah that night. Is he okay?” He felt himself starting to break. It had been threatening to happen for weeks, but he had managed to hold off until this moment. Maybe it was her, maybe it was her kindness, but either way it was happening.

“Rafael, was this happening when you were here with Noah?” She knew if he responded with a yes, that it would explain so much of what had happened that night. 

Rafael nodded, “Liv, I tried to control it, I swear I did.” 

“No one is blaming you, Rafael, it just helps me understand better what has been going on with you.” She hugged her friend tighter. She could not bear the thought of him being in such turmoil and her not being around to help him.

“But I scared him, Liv. He should never have had to deal with that.” Rafael buried his head in his arms, and started sobbing. “I cannot get control over my own head and emotions. It’s messing up friendships, it's messing up cases and that's not fair to victims. It messed up Noah. How will he ever forgive me?” 

“Oh, Raf, there is nothing to forgive. Noah just wants his Uncle Rafa to feel better. He does not care a lick about what happened beyond that.” Olivia pulled his head up and made him look her in the face. “How can we help?”

“Liv, I don’t know.” He just shook with the anxiety of not being able to control his illness as he had for so many years. It had been so long since he had gone through such a situation, and he did not even know what had triggered it. He had anticipated it when his abuelita had passed away, but that time had long past. It had been something recent that had triggered it. 

“How long have you been living with it?” Olivia asked, trying to get a handle on how bad the situation was. “Have you had it all of your life?” 

“Since law school. I was diagnosed when I went through a severe episode after failing an exam. Since then, it has been perfectly controlled by my medication. I rarely even think about it most of the time.” He spoke matter-of-factly. 

Olivia could not believe that she never knew her best friend struggled with mental illness, I mean who didn’t these days, but she really wished she had known. “What triggered the most recent episode?” 

“No idea.” He shrugged his shoulders at her. “But all the normal tricks to control it are not working.”

“How often are you getting this drunk?” She wanted to know how serious this situation was and what her reaction should be. She was already thinking of calling her old friend, George Huang, to see if he could offer some advice. 

“More often than you want to know. But tonight, I just went out to have some fun, not to numb everything. All I could think was I wanted to talk to you.” He smiled at her. 

“Well, we are going to get you some water and try to figure out what is going on. And you have to promise me that you will stop all this drinking.” She looked at him with concern, but also love.

“I will do anything to quiet the demons. I swear, Olivia.” She patted his arm and got up to walk to the kitchen. She grabbed her phone off the table as she walked by it. 

“Hey, George, I know it has been awhile, but can you give me some advice? Call if you get a moment.” 

“Hey, Olivia, I have a few minutes, is now a good time?” 

“Rafael, I am going to go check on Noah, I will be right back.” She spoke as she looked over at him. He merely nodded in response. Her phone rang just as she made it into her bathroom. 

“Hi George!!” 

“Hey, Olivia! It has been forever. How are you?” They had always been good friends, but his career with the FBI had taken him away from their squadroom without much extra time on his hands to visit. 

“I am well. I hope you are also. We miss you here in New York.” She gushed trying to not rush the polite small talk. 

“I am well and I miss the squad as well, though I hear many have retired and moved on. I love the pictures that you send me of Noah. Glad to see you so happy.” 

“Awe, thank you, he is the highlight of my life for sure.” She smiled as if he could see her, but catching up with him was really a treat. 

“You were asking for my help? Is this about a case?” George probed for the reason for her call. 

“Not a case, this one is personal. I have a good friend that has bipolar disorder, which normally is in control, but he is suddenly spiraling out of control. He is a lawyer, so he is losing cases left and right. Noah said that he was sobbing uncontrollably the other night and woke up screaming like he was fighting with himself while sleeping. And he is self-medicating with alcohol in extreme quantities on a regular basis. He has tried medication adjustments and also speaking with his psychiatrist, but nothing seems to be helping. Any ideas of how I can help him?”

“So, you are saying this incident has been triggered by something?”

“That is what I understand it as.”

“Then you need to find out what triggered it. Once you know what triggered it, then if you can fix it or work through the reason it was a trigger then you will be able to help the healing process. The meds will start helping again, and as long as the alcohol stops, he should get back to where he was before.”

“What if he gets worse before we figure out what the trigger is? Then what?” Olivia feared what the answer could be, but she had to know so she could help him prepare for it. 

“His next best bet would be intensive treatment in a facility.” Olivia gasped, not expecting that response. “I know it sounds extreme, but it could be the best place for him to confront his trigger if he cannot do it on his own.” 

“I am going to pray it does not come to that. I really miss having you near, I could have used your shoulder a lot over the past few years.” 

“Liv, you know it would have been unethical for me to treat you for anything. But I miss you as well.” 

“Thank you, George, for always being there for me. I really appreciate it.” Olivia truly adored the man and their friendship. 

“Liv, just be careful, and watch out for your own mental health as you help your friend. Call me if you need anything. Give Noah my love.” 

“I will, George. Thank you again.” Olivia ended the call and looked in the mirror and steeled herself for what she was about to work on with Barba. She walked back into her bedroom and Noah was sound asleep in her bed. She tucked him in further and then closed the door quietly behind her as she walked back into the living room. 

Barba had not moved a muscle since she had left. She grabbed a bottle of water and walked into the living room. “Hey, brought you some water.” She said, handing him the bottle. 

He looked up at her, but his eyes looked empty. He slowly reached for the water bottle and took it from her. He drank a few sips before setting it down on the coffee table. “Thanks, Liv. Noah, ok?” 

“Yes, passed out on my bed.” She laughed nervously. “Hey, Raf, I am glad that you came and asked for help. It means a lot.” 

“Thank you for not turning me away. I know I should not have come drunk, but I didn’t know what else to do.” 

“You made the perfect choice. Let’s see if we can figure this out together. Wanna crash on the couch tonight? I am not due in tomorrow until the afternoon so we can talk through some things in the morning if you want.” 

“I am still pretty drunk, and I am really exhausted. I don’t think I have really slept in weeks.” He slowly crawled over to the couch and up onto it. Olivia handed him the pillow she kept on the side of the couch for when she came home too exhausted to make it to bed. She then grabbed a blanket and tossed it over him. She leaned down and kissed his forehead, and said a little prayer that she would be able to help him work through this. 

“Night, Livvie, I love you.” He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face, as she stared at him dumbfounded by what he had just said. 

She walked slowly back to her bedroom to move Noah to his bed, and then crawled into her own bed. Sleep was not going to happen for Olivia, as she worried about Rafael and how she would be able to help him. It was going to be a long road for him, but she knew that he could get through it with the proper support. Her heart was broken for her friend, but she also felt guilt that she had not known or noticed before. She was grateful that her son’s empathy made him more observant than your average child. She looked to the ceiling and just let the tears fall for her friend. 

Suddenly, she was jolted awake by screaming. It took her a moment to register that it was not from her dream. Just as she was getting up, Noah burst through the door. 

“MOM! Help! Uncle Rafa is dreaming the bad dream again!” 

“Ok, Noah, wait here. I will go and wake him up.” She ran out to the living room and saw Rafael thrashing on her couch. She walked over to him and gently touched his shoulder. He jumped about a mile in the air, and she reached out and whispered, “Rafa, it’s Liv.”

“Oh, shit, what happened?” He stammered out.  
“You were dreaming, and it did not sound pleasant.” 

“Oh GOD! Did I scare Noah again?” He started to freak out, and Noah came running out of his room. He ran straight up to his uncle and wrapped his arms around his legs.

“No, Uncle Rafa, I knew you were having the bad dream, so I made Mom come and make it better. She always makes my bad dreams go away.” 

“Aw, mijo, thank you so much.” Rafael hugged the little boy back as hard as can be. 

“Alright, Noah, let’s get you back in bed, and I am going to talk to Uncle Rafa for a little bit, ok?” Liv asked, trying to cajole her son back into bed so that she could figure out what Rafael had been dreaming about. 

“Uncle Rafa, do you want to sleep with Eddie?” 

“No, sweet boy, you keep him to protect you from the bad dreams. Thank you though.” 

“Ok, love you. Mom, will you tuck me back in?” 

“Love you too, Noah.” Rafael smiled at the boy as he walked with his mom back to his room.

“Alright, Noah, I am going to leave your light on, but close the door all the way so that we don’t keep you up, okay?” 

“Yes, Mom, as long as you promise to fix him.” 

“I am going to do my best. Love you.” Olivia kissed her son on the forehead and then pulled the door shut on her way out. 

“I think he was asleep before I even shut the door,” she made idle conversation as she sat down next to him on the couch. 

“Liv, I can’t live like this. It has never been this bad. I can’t sleep, I barely eat, I can’t focus, and I haven’t been like this ever. What do I do?” He held his head in his hands.

“Rafa, can I get you a water or anything?” She asked as she rubbed his back. 

“No, thank you though.” 

“When did all of this start?” She was never really shy to get right to the heart of a situation. 

“Well, it has been going on for a few weeks. I cannot be entirely sure.”

Olivia racked her brain for a way to get him to pinpoint the moment in time. She pulled upon her experience from interviews with victims to work with some new tactics on Barba. “What trial were you working on when it happened?” He lived and breathed for the trials, so for sure that would be a great way to pinpoint the moment.

“After I lost the Spector trial, the way Alexandra looked at me, I think it broke my soul. After that moment, nothing has felt right.” 

A lightbulb went off in Olivia’s head, and while she didn’t think much of herself, she thought a lot of her friendship. “That was the trial that caused our disagreement.” She spoke it blankly, so that it would not appear that she had anything to gain from pinpointing that moment. She knew that she had said some pretty unpleasant things during that argument, but that was not unusual per say for them when things got heated. But what had been different from other arguments is that they had stopped speaking, whether on purpose or indirectly. 

“No, it can’t be.” Rafael shook his head, refusing to believe that his heart had ruled his life like this. 

“Pinpoint something else that was going on in your life at that time.” Olivia stared at him waiting for him to respond. 

“I can’t. But why?” He kept shaking his head. 

“Rafa, it bothered me too, but honestly, it was not on purpose. Have you heard what happened in the six weeks since that day?” She wondered if his mental state had clouded his rational thought to ask after her. She knew that her own was definitely clouded over the past six weeks. 

“I just thought that you had had it with me since I had lost such an important case, and over a stupid technicality. I can normally get around those errors.” He was getting anxious just thinking about it, and he started to pace the room with fists balled up. 

“Rafa, it happens all the time. We screw up, the lab screws up, you do what you can. I hate the injustice as much as the next person, but then I fight just as hard the next time. We will get them in the long run, we always do. The fury fuels my fire to do this job. You cannot let one case break you. If you do, you will have to transfer out.” She spoke calmly hoping that it would help to alleviate the anxiety she saw building in him. She knew what it was like to drown in your own regrets and doubts about a case, but she also knew that it did no one any good. 

“But you disappeared after that.” 

“And so did you.” She smiled at him. “But let me tell you why I disappeared. Chickenpox and the flu - then swamped at work when I returned and the next thing I knew, I went to court and saw Rita and some schmuck sitting where you were supposed to be. She made me go to lunch with her after that schmuck gave her guy some sweet plea deal.” She rolled her eyes and gave a small chuckle.

His head popped up. “Wait, you had lunch with Rita? Did the restaurant survive?” 

Olivia laughed, “Yes, barely though, we never even got our meals. She asked me to find out what was going on with you. Guess she got her wish.” 

Rafael looked at her confused. “She what?” 

“You heard me. She asked me to confront you about whatever was going on with you.” 

“Why didn’t she just ask me herself?”

“She said that you two weren’t personal like that.” 

“Well, she is full of shit.” He shook his head. He would give her an earful the next time they spoke. “So, how come you didn’t confront me?” 

“I was trying to figure out how to, when you came over tonight. She had said that you got really, really drunk the other night and nearly passed out on her.” 

“Yea, I have been doing that a lot lately.”

“Well, maybe let’s not do that anymore, okay? Next time, just call one of us - any of us. Barba, we are all always here for you, no matter what shit is going down. That’s what family is for.” She reached out and touched his arm. “Deal?”

“Deal.” He squeezed her hand back, grateful that he finally had someone inside his head with him. 

“George said that if you work on the why, then the rest will start to fall into place. How can I help?”

“Liv, I think that just talking about it has helped immensely. I have always handled this on my own, and I just couldn’t this time.”

“I thought that you spoke with your psychiatrist?” 

“I did, but that has never really helped me. I just gave up talking to anyone when it didn’t seem to help at all.”

“So, you needed a friend, huh?” She smirked. “I think that I have told you that before.”

“Well, it’s not like I have not needed to remind you sometimes too.” He smirked back at her. 

“Alright, truce. My son told me I had to fix you, by the way. I am not quite sure how to explain to him that you are not like a broken toy.” She blew out a breath in exasperation just thinking about the conversation.

“Let me handle that one, Liv. He is so smart, but I think I owe it to him.” He patted her knee and smiled at her. The love he felt in this apartment was so much more than he had ever felt in his life. “Do you mind if I crash here a couple of days? I don’t think that I can stand my apartment.”

“Of course, especially if you can make my son not hate me for not fixing you. Our home is always open to you.” She looked at her watch and realized there wasn’t much time until the alarm went off for Noah to get ready for school. “I am just going to grab my phone and make some coffee. Anything you want for breakfast?” 

“Coffee sounds divine and some french toast.” He was suddenly starving. He hoped that it was a road leading to recovery and not false hope. 

“Alright, after I drop Noah off at school, we can head to your place and grab some clothes and what not. Stay as long as you would like.” 

Rafael suddenly remembered the state of his apartment. “Oh, about that, maybe I should just buy some new stuff.”

“That bad huh?” Liv asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

“Maybe?” He responded with a sheepish grin.

“OH, I have got to see this. You are a neat freak.” She laughed, and had to cover her mouth so that she did not wake her son up early.

“Liv, come on, no. It’s awful.”

“We are going right after we drop Noah off.” She calmed her giggling, and got serious. “Rafael, let me help you get it sorted out. I will not judge.” 

“Alright, but I warned you.” He shook his head, but secretly was smiling at her laughter. Maybe, just maybe, he was going to find his normal after all. 

That day they had cleaned his apartment from top to bottom and took 3 full suitcases of suits to the dry cleaners. He dreaded seeing the bill, but knew it was necessary. Olivia helped him clean, vacuum and do the rest of the laundry. Then they went shopping for more clothes so that he would have some for when he stayed with her. She also helped him get an appointment with Dr. Lindstrom, along with some teletherapy sessions with Dr. Huang as needed. Mainly, she was just patient with him, and his constant mood swings. Both doctors agreed that he likely needed a complete change of his medicinal regime, and consulted on a few different cocktails to try before they decided on one to try. Noah and Olivia stayed by his side throughout the process, not caring how long he crashed on their couch. They started to become a little family, with him watching Noah anytime that Olivia had to work late so that she did not have to rely on Lucy as much. Rita stopped by to visit a few times, and even had some pleasant dinners with the three of them. No one was pressuring him to return to the DA’s office, as he had spoken with Jack McCoy about an extended leave. He would decide his fate when he was ready. 

One night, as they sat in the quiet of Olivia’s living room, she was reading a book and he was surfing the cable channels. He spoke suddenly, “You know, I think that you can finally tell Noah that you fixed me.”

“Huh?” She said distractedly. 

“Liv, I think that you saved me.” 

“Saved you how?” She looked at him perplexed.

“I thought that I was headed to a mental hospital when I came here that night. I think that is what I had planned to ask you. To help me commit myself.” She smiled at him so sweetly. 

“That was where George warned me we might end up. I think that was the moment, I realized I was going to do whatever it took to not let that happen.” 

“Well, I really appreciate that you did because I am scared of what could have happened if I ended up there.” 

“Anything for you, always.” 

~FIN~


End file.
